Waking up to yet another Monday I think about the gluey hours in the week ahead of me, time stretching elastic until I snap. There is nothing so safe as a warm bed. I must confess, there’s also nothing much in my head, no salvation image, that is, no imaginative credit to spend …
All that to say: this sludgy dreck is my anemic offering to Monday’s hungry gods.
sometimes it feels as if i’ll never be able to warm myself up enough to feel my extremities — wet cold fills in the tips of my fingers, my toes creeps into my core and settles
hereditary, this chronic overreaction a phenomenon
blood vessels sniff a chill and (hysterical old ladies) shut down, close off completely so the white hot ice can take over, joint by joint until i’m bumbling blue purple, numb
if only i could convert this regular system failure into a pithy metaphor transcendent image or inspired idea
to take the edge off
but each attack (more every year) just proves that i’m an eventual corpse
that death lives all around us like april’s icy rain and always finds a way inside
— remember when we were poor? i said, raising a glass of beer in the stylish restaurant and taking a deep sip
— remember when we ate at Wendy’s before going grocery shopping?
— so we wouldn’t buy too much, Dave said —
yeah. those years in the little brick house in tucson with two cats in the yard and a bun in the oven
squeezing out a silly dissertation about ts eliot
trying to imagine a future where every unexpected bill wouldn’t raise major alarms and dave wouldn’t say in the grotty pub with the visiting irish — is it okay if i have another beer? —
— for fuck’s sake, man! are you that pussy whipped? — the irish glaring at me over the top of his pint as if i clutched dave’s balls in my hand
and now we’re so rich we don’t look at the balance the bun is writing her own dissertation and worrying about money we’re in our 60s eating expensive pizza in expensive clothes sipping draft beer without thinking
a new century security of a sort but still somehow the downslope